my girlfriend came over and we started the evening with just snuggling on the couch while we watched a basketball game; Celtics vs Sixers.

I made us a couple cocktails as we hung out. Eventually, we decided to go upstairs and take a bubble bath. Typically, she’s in charge of the setting up the bath with candles and music while I make us a couple more beverages. After a nice long soak in the tub, we got out and I proceeded to make another cocktail for us and she got in bed. When I came back, she was naked in my bed and I couldn’t help noticing the little bottle of Astroglide by the bed along with… a jar of coconut oil.

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A user on dearcupid.org asks:

Hi. Been married for 10 years and wife said was virgin.

Regular sex was painful with her to start with and she seemed really not to know hot to handle it.

However, very recently she started initiating anal sex without even me asking. I guess she probably got to knwo that men fanatsize about it. She was the one who suddenly positioned her body and “guided” me inside without any lube to start with and she orgasmed right away. It did not seem to hurt her and was the one saying to keep on “pushing” in. After a few months she got into a routine of lubing her asshole before even foreplay so we can do anal and she orgasms pretty strongly as I feel her anal muscles spasms incontrolably after a few pumps. Only issue is that she wants me out RIGHT AWAY after she orgasms.

Question I have is this: How come she wants anal sex so suddenly and easily? Many of my friends say they only dream their wives let them do anal with them and I was wondering how I was so lucky and/or what advice I can give my married friends.

The reason I could simply not ask her is because she already said she was a virgin before marriage..and any further investigations would only embarass her.

While it’s certainly fair to want to know why the sudden change, it’s unfortunate that he is unable to communicate with his wife about it. Communication is key to so many things, including sexual compatibility and happiness, and it’s essential that partners in a long-term relationship are able to communicate effectively about sex in order to understand each other’s desires and preferences and do their best to satisfy those for each other in the most effective way. Fortunately, this is what a lot of the other participants in the discussion say as well.

Barring that, it’s a fairly obvious situation to infer. She doesn’t enjoy vaginal and gets more pleasure from anal, and likely found that out through masturbation to discover that anal is more enjoyable for her and makes her orgasm better than vaginal does, and so wanted to switch to anal instead of vaginal. This is not at all an uncommon thing. So many women get better pleasure from anal, and would be much happier and more sexually satisfied anal only, so it really should come as no surprise when something like this happens.

Where the communication would benefit the both of them is in her expressing to him how much more she enjoys anal and that she really needs it instead of vaginal, and him expressing that he enjoys anal with her but would like to be able to have sex longer than just however long it takes for her to orgasm and then be done, and they could then work together to make it more mutually enjoyable and be able to enjoy a long and happy anal only relationship together from that point forward.

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It’s a commonly held belief that all men prefer anal sex. Look at most articles about anal, and they generally repeat this claim. And while it’s not universally true—there are many men who don’t prefer anal or are resistant to even trying it in some way—most men who have good anal experiences do prefer anal.

Anal is, after all, more visually appealing, tighter, more pleasurable, in some regards more taboo, and often done infrequently enough that it’s a special treat they come to want more and more often. Usually the only resistance to anal for men is based on misconceptions or fears: homophobia and the idea that enjoying anal sex with a woman makes them gay, concerns about hygiene or thinking it’s in some way gross, or experiences with partners who didn’t enjoy it or weren’t warmed up enough to do it easily, killing the mood and not allowing them to ever get into it enough to see how enjoyable it is when done right. Get past those things, and anal is an altogether superior experience.

But this is not even remotely universal to men, and the exact same rules apply to women as well. With a positive experiences, women will almost universally prefer anal sex as well. Genuinely, the only reasons that it’s less common to hear of women preferring anal are because bad experiences out of inexperience and ignorance are unfortunately still common and women bear the brunt of those bad experiences, and because there’s still a lot of stigma and judgement surrounding women expressing their sexual preferences or preferring anal, and they’re afraid to be open publicly about such a preference.

I challenge anyone to do their research, practice, and have five to ten experiences with anal sex that are not painful or uncomfortable, and not come away with a strong preference for anal over vaginal.

Anonymous: So I just realized while I was reading through your blog today that my bf & I haven’t done vaginal since sometime early last year, and I can’t even remember when it was! From what I’m reading here, it seems like we should make it official?

I always take it as a good sign that people are well-suited to be anal only when they’ve been doing it naturally already without even trying. The fact that you can’t even remember exactly when you started is just further proof of that. It’s obvious that you don’t need or even really want vaginal if your natural inclination is to avoid it and do anal instead. So you should definitely keep going anal only. Communication is always good, so I’d suggest talking about it with your boyfriend, too. Just say “Hey, we haven’t had vaginal sex in like a year and I don’t miss it at all. What do you say we just go anal only for good?” and see how he reacts. Chances are he’ll be up for the same and you can both go forward confident that you’re both satisfied and happy being anal only.

That’s the question a Quora user asks. The majority of responses give the correct answer, namely that this happens normally and naturally and that anal sex does not cause one to become permanently “loose”.

Your anus will resume its normal size after anal sex. During and immediately after anal sex, it’s normal for the anus to gape open, but it will quickly return to normal.

It’s a myth that anal sex will “ruin” your anus. I’ve been enjoying anal sex for sixteen years and my anus is as tight as it ever was. What does happen with regular anal experience is you learn to relax your anus quickly to stimulation so that penetration is quicker and easier.

I had regular anal sex with my partner for past 10 years and my anus is same size as ever. My younger sister wo wants to retain her virginity till marriage is also having anal sex with her bf on regular basis and no change in size. Yes, post sex its a bit open for an hour os si but will go back to its normal size after that.

One response suggests they experienced permanent change:

Just like yours, my anus does not really go back to its size anymore. I stopped worrying about a couple of years ago. Guys actually seem to like it now even more after it became lippy and more open.

Since all of the sex I have (including masturbation) is purely anal, it did have long term effects on my anus.

However, since they exclusively have anal sex and masturbate anally regularly, it is far more likely that they simply are more relaxed and prepared for anal sex because they are doing it frequently, and know how to relax their anal muscles easily and at-will, which can even happen subconsciously. Even people who are extremely experienced with anal need to train and warm up again if they go for a few weeks, months or longer without any anal penetration. Actual long-term looseness only happens as a result of nerve damage, which is extremely rare.

Many people’s first introduction to the idea of anal sex is through pornography. While there are certainly those who simply choose to try it on their own, either through curiosity and experimentation with their own body, or with a partner, many see it in porn and are drawn to how sexy and appealing and pleasurable it looks there. And it’s true—it is sex, appealing and pleasurable.

But porn is entertainment, not real life, and while it can provide positive exposure to anal and show people its ideal form and how appealing it can be, it doesn’t show the full picture.

Anal Porn Doesn’t Represent Proper Training and Warmup Techniques

Anal sex requires anal training and warmup of the anal muscles beforehand for most people in order to be safely enjoyed without pain, discomfort or injury. This involves gradually stretching and warming up the muscles with smaller toys or objects, working up in size until anal sex itself can be enjoyed.

Most people need to go through an extended period of anal training for days or weeks or potentially even longer, depending on their own personal needs, before they’re ready to even try anal sex. Even once that initial training has been done, foreplay is needed to relax in the moment and prepare for sex, whether through rimming, fingering, butt plug wear before sex, or the use of a smaller dildo.

Porn often doesn’t show these steps. Some porn producers have gotten better about this and include it as part of the start of a scene, with an actor starting the scene wearing a butt plug, removing it, enjoying some rimming and fingering, and then moving on to sex. But there is still a lot where the warmup was done off-camera and they’re ready to go when the scene starts. For entertainment purposes, there’s a lot to be said for doing it this way, it just needs to be understood by anyone looking to try it themselves that they will most likely need more than what is shown on-camera.

Anal Porn Often Doesn’t Show Proper Lubrication Techniques

Anal sex requires supplemental lubrication of some sort, whether artificial lube, vaginal juices, or saliva. Aside from the lucky few who produce an increased amount of anal mucous and can enjoy anal sex without adding any other lube, the anus is not self-lubricating.

Watching porn, however, you often wouldn’t know that. Most anal scenes start with the actors simply sliding into the women’s anuses with no preparation, or with just a little bit of spit. Again, this is generally because they’re already warmed up and pre-lubricated internally, and the addition of saliva is just enough to get inside and access the other lube.

There are certainly those who have anal sex regularly enough that they don’t need much more than saliva and their natural anal mucous to enjoy sex, but that’s an advanced technique that doesn’t apply to most people, and usually should not be attempted by beginners unless they’re confident that it works for them.

Anal Porn Doesn’t Show Hygiene Techniques

A big issue some people have when reconciling their anal experiences with those shown in porn is the cleanliness factor. By the very nature of having sex in the anus and rectum, you’re interacting with a place that also holds and transports feces, so cleanliness is a common concern for many people. In porn, anal sex is always spotless, and this can set a false expectation of anal sex for people whose only experience is through porn.

In reality, porn actors often fast in advance of anal scenes, do enemas, and in the event any mess happens during the shoot, cut, clean up, and edit that out. We’re all humans, we all poop, and inevitably there will be some messiness as a result of anal sex if you do it enough.

If you’re mature about it and understand that sometimes it might just get messy and it’s not a big deal to just clean up if that happens, you can have a sustainable and usually quite clean experience with a healthy, balanced high-fiber diet and supplemental use of a small anal douche/enema bulb.

Pornography is a Visual Medium

Because porn is a visual form of entertainment, many compromises are made to add to the aesthetic nature of the scene, which in practice is often not ideal for actual sex.

Positions are optimized for visual access and being able to see penetration, rather than for pleasure or intimacy. Positions that people may prefer in real life are often ignored in favor of ones that look good on camera even if they aren’t as pleasurable.

Ejaculation is often done externally rather than internally, or even if it is internal, it’s done in a shallow manner so it can be pushed out afterwards for the camera. In real life, deeper ejaculation is usually preferred, both for mutual pleasure and to keep the ejaculate deep inside where it can be absorbed or plugged inside to stay throughout the day.

Anal Porn Actors Are Professionals With a Lot of Experience

Porn often shows quite deep, fast, aggressive anal, as well as advanced techniques such as the use of large toys, double and triple anal penetration, fisting, etc. These are all things that can be safely enjoyed by ordinary people as well, if that’s something that interests you, but you need to start small and slow and work your way up to that gradually, listening to your body along the way.

The majority of people probably won’t be personally interested in those things, and that’s fine too, but even with just a single partner, it’s good to know your limits and recognize that what you see in porn and may want to mimic is being done by experienced professionals, and you may not be able to just dive right in to that same level immediately. Enjoy and be entertained and inspired by porn, but don’t use it as an informative education. Do a lot of additional research. Read our Guide to Anal Sex and the Anal Only Lifestyle. Ask questions. Experiment and explore, on your own and with a partner.

That’s the question a Quora user asked. Because everyone is different, not everyone experiences the same thing when this happens, and some aren’t able to feel anything out of the ordinary, but this is commonly cited by many people as one of the reasons they love anal so much and find it so intimate, because they can feel their partner’s orgasm and ejaculation inside them far more than they can with vaginal sex.

It feels great to be honest.

You can feel every pulse and twitch when he ejaculates because it’s so tight. It feels like a hot, sticky warmth in my ass.

Fantastic! When a man is close to cumming he starts pounding your ass really really hard and you can feel his cock get super hard. When he cums you can sometimes even feel his cock pulsating as he pumps his cum into your rectum. I can’t say I can really feel his cum in my rectum because it’s usually already very juicy from lube and my own juices, but I can feel his cum gushing out of my ass when he pulls his cock out.

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Anonymous: I see a lot of women who are anal only and who do it because it’s what they prefer. Is that really the most popular reason? I really love how anal sex feels, but the reason that I’m anal only is because I love the idea that I subverted my body and chose to replace my vagina with my asshole. It’s such a dirty thrill to think about, knowing that I’ll never let my pussy get fucked again and it will always be in my ass for the rest of my life. That’s what excites me and motivates me.

I agree, that’s an amazing part of being anal only, the whole “taking control of my body and sexuality and remaking it in a new and better way” sort of thing, and the idea of taking what biology and society sees as the standard, normal way of having sex and ignoring that entirely and replacing it with something not biologically intended for sex but which in practice is actually far better than the vagina.

I think you’ll find that women go anal only for a whole variety of reasons: for the reasons you mentioned, because they prefer how it feels, because they can’t enjoy or practice vaginal for various medical reasons, as part of a dom/sub relationship, to please their partner, as birth control, for religious reasons, and more.

A classic article on this blog is The Many Roads Leading to the Anal Only Lifestyle, which covers these topics in a bit more detail.