Anonymous: I like to fantasize about girls who are anal only and who constantly keep their assholes lubed so that they are always ready for a good fucking. I wonder if any of your followers practise this?

I recommend women always wear a comfortable anal plug day and night instead, both to help maintain an anal focus and arousal, and to keep her ass warmed up and ready for sex (and because it feels good!). The plug will be lubed, so her ass will be as well (at least, to an extent). Carrying extra lube with you is important as well, in case you need to reapply any.

Anonymous: Hi, I am 19 years old lesbian and I am an Anal virgin, so me and my girlfriend want to try it since we both get turned on by seeing anything that is related to Anal sex and my girlfriend is somehow dominant and she always told me that any sub/Dom relationship is nothing without Anal play. And for that I need your expert advice about what kind of toys should we start with and witch brand and type is better (glass, silicone or metal) then to witch ones should we upgrade, thanks

Glass, silicone or metal is a subject of great debate and really comes down to personal preference. They’re all good but each have advantages and disadvantages. Silicone has some give to it and so can be more comfortable, but can’t be used with silicone lube. Glass and metal can be used with any lube but are heavier and have no give at all.

I usually recommend (and it seems a number of other people have been lately as well!) the Tantus Ryder as a starter plug. It’s 1.5″ diameter at its widest point, silicone, and commonly available online for around $20. If you can’t yet fit something 1.5″ diameter, I’d suggest getting up to near that point with fingers first. Once you can fit three or so fingers, you’re probably ready to try that plug.

I have less recommendations to give for dildos—there are many out there, of many different sizes. Figure out what sort of size will work for you right now, and search for compatible toys. Tantus, Bad Dragon and SquarePeg toys are all popular manufacturers of high quality silicone toys, but some of them can get to be fairly expensive.

When we met, my girlfriend (now my wife) was from a strict religious family.  She had never had sex of any sort and had just recently taken a virginity pledge at her church and wanted to remain a virgin until she was married.  We hit it off right away and in no time our hormonal urges were overwhelming.  Being young and so horny it was killing us to wait.  She masturbated me a lot.  Eventually she graduated to blowjobs.  Of course neither of these activities did anything to satisfy her desire for pleasure.  She or I would rub her clit while she was sucking my cock, but it just couldn’t get her off.

She’s actually the one that suggested anal sex.  This worked really well, as her Catholic upbringing didn’t allow for the use of birth control, including a condom.  We knew we needed to use lube and take it slow.  Our first time I used the only thing I could think of – Vaseline.  Doggy style just seemed like the easiest way to accomplish anal sex at the time, so that’s what we did.  We were both so horny, I blew my load on her ass just rubbing across her asshole.  She seemed really disappointed.  She knew that, as a teen, I would be ready again quickly though, so we just lay in bed rubbing each other until I was hard again.  This time, after just getting off, I was better able to control the urge to cum.  It must have taken us 10 minutes to slowly work my cock all the way into her ass, although it seemed like an eternity.  When we both realized my cock was buried all the way up her ass we just stayed like that for several minutes.  I could feel her ass tightening and relaxing around the base of my cock.  When she said she was ready I slowly began to work my cock back and forth in her ass.  Almost at once she started rubbing her clit like mad and pushing her ass back against me.  It was then that it happened, she let out a moan and I felt her ass pulse around my cock.  The thought that I had just brought her to her first orgasm and the fact that her ass was going wild on my cock brought me to orgasm.  It was the first time anyone had cum inside her.  We both collapsed forward on the bed, me on top of her, then rolled sideways with me spooning her.  My cock remained semi-hard in her ass as we lay there.  within 15 minutes we were at it again.  Again, she experienced an orgasm.

After this it was rare if we didn’t have anal sex at least once a day.  In the three years prior to our marriage, we never once had vaginal sex.  On our wedding night she couldn’t wait to try vaginal sex.  Although she was dripping wet, her reaction was almost immediate.  She said it felt really uncomfortable.  The look on her face made it clear she wasn’t enjoying it.  We continued this awkward exercise for several minutes, then she broke down crying.  She said she had wanted it to be special for our wedding night.  I told her it was alright and that we could try it again later.  As I moved my cock to her asshole, I felt it relax and willingly accept my cock as it had so many times before.  But this time it was different.  We were making anal love as husband and wife.  Within a few minutes her ass was pulsating in orgasmic bliss around my cock as I came deep inside her.  Then she was crying again.  She thought I would be disappointed our fist time making love as a married couple we had not been able to complete vaginal sex.  I assured her I thoroughly enjoyed anal sex and that it was alright.  I assured her we could try again later.  This seemed to calm her down.

For much of our first month of marriage the same scenario would repeat itself, including the crying  (talk about a wood killer).  Vaginal sex never became more enjoyable for either of us.  Eventually, during one of her crying fits, I told her I didn’t really care for the feeling of vaginal sex and I would prefer it if we just had anal sex.  She said she knew I was only saying that for her.  It took some convincing.  When she realized it was true she was overjoyed.  When she told me she had felt like a failure because she couldn’t please me with her vagina.  I told her I was only having vaginal sex for her because I thought it was what she wanted.  I told her I didn’t care if we ever had vaginal sex again and that she pleases me with her ass.  She immediately presented her ass for me and told me I needed to please her as well.

We’ve now been married nearly five years.  In the eight total years we’ve been together we’ve probably had anal sex several thousand times. Aside from the dozen or so times we tried vaginal sex the month after getting married, we’ve never had vaginal sex.  I’ve never cum in her vagina either.  Now we look back on her “virginity pledge” and have to laugh.  Since I’ve never cum in her vagina, I jokingly tell her she’s still a virgin.

I just wanted to thank you for educating people about the possibilities and tell you our story.  To any of your readers who are concerned about the long term effects of anal sex, we have continued to have anal sex almost every day for nearly eight years and she had had no issues whatsoever.

Anonymous: have you tried coconut oil lube because if you did I wanna know your opinion on it. I’ve always wanted to try it

It’s very popular with a lot of people. Lube preferences are fairly subjective, so I suggest you simply try using coconut oil and see how you like it. It’s body safe, it smells good, and generally works well.

arrogantdream: What kind of brand of lube would you suggest for anal? Oil or water based

It’s a matter of personal preference and interactions with other things. Some prefer water, some prefer silicone, some prefer oil. But silicone lube can’t be used with silicone toys, and certain oil-based lubes degrade condoms. Try a few and see what works best for you. Most are going to work, some are just going to work better or meet your personal preferences differently.

Coconut oil and various silicone lubes do get highly recommended by people the most, it seems like.

quietsilentlove: Thanks so much, I didn’t know about the push while I insert something so that’s a new bit of info. Also will the jewel plugs work too I keep reading mix reviews on them about long term wear. Or should I stick with a softer material? Or should I just buy one of the kits that has the three different sizes? And do you have a favorite lube you prefer?

Jeweled plugs can look sexy but are often not comfortable for long term use. They also have a very narrow neck, generally, so once they’re inside they’re not doing much to stretch and relax the anus itself. Perfectly fine to have one as a sexy accent, but I wouldn’t use it as a primary training tool. Some of the training kits can be fine, but I find that using fingers to train instead is easier and then invest in a good mid-sized plug instead that you’ll want to keep using for a long time.

Lube is a bit of a personal preference. There are plenty of good water-based lubes, silicone lube can be great but cannot be used with silicone toys, and coconut oil is popular with a lot of people.

Anonymous: Hi! Is there such a thing as “anal cum”? My bf and I were having anal sex and at one point when he pulled out, there was white cum-like substance on his dick. We didn’t use any lube, just his spit (I was super relaxed and in no pain), so we weren’t sure what to really make of it. Thanks!

That’s most likely anal mucous. Despite the common statement that the rectum is not self-lubricating, it actually is—to a certain degree. It generally does not produce anywhere near enough to provide sufficient lubrication for sex, but it’s not uncommon for people to see it after sex. In rare cases, some people do produce enough to lubricate all their sexual activities, and there are even occasional reports of people who produce it in response to arousal, similar to natural vaginal lubrication.

I wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your blog, and how wonderful it is for me to find that I’m not the only one who thinks there’s nothing better than anal. I had anal for the first time when I was 13. I wasn’t interested in vaginal intercourse. All my life I have honestly only craved anal, which is in part due to my bedroom submissive personality. I’m not saying I don’t like vaginal, but it just doesn’t give me the mental stimulation that I crave. There’s nothing like the feeling of being “filled” with cock.

With that being said I’ve dated so many men that had no interest in anal and it was always me talking them into trying it. I could tell they didn’t get it, get why I craved it and wanted it and if you don’t have that connection of understanding it, well it’s just not the same.

I only watch anal porn, I have no interest in anything else, and when I masturbate it’s on my stomach so I can imagine someone taking me in my ass and obviously the only thing I think about is anal, as I only get off thinking of anal.

I finally now in my late 20s have found a man who enjoys it and craves it as much as I do and it’s such an eye opening and soul soaring experience, and has given me a depth of love I never knew possible. I’ve never needed to use lube, I’m just a natural because I not only crave it but need it.

My question though is that I see a lot of comments about no clitoral stimulation and I guess I have issues with that because I don’t see the clit as an extension of my vagina I see it as a trigger point in my body the same way of my nipples and other “pleasure spots”. I can very easily have anal without touching my clit because it’s so “mentally stimulating” to me. But from years and years of having no partners to do anal with I’ve kind of formed a crutch so to speak on masturbating and using a vibrator while I imagine my ass filled. So a lot of times when I have anal I do enjoy using a vibrator, I guess I’m curious what your thoughts are on that. I guess I don’t see the need to not use a vibrator, or to separate myself from clitoral stimulation. I can do it both ways but I really love the orgasm I have with a vibrator.

First, thanks so much for sharing. It’s great you’ve met a partner who enjoys being anal only as much as you do and that it’s been so fulfilling for you.

In regards to clit stimulation, in general, I say do whatever works for you. Clitoral play is a valid component of anal only for a number of women—some need it in order to enjoy anal at all, while others enjoy anal on its own but need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. I do not consider clitoral play a “violation” (I feel silly writing that, but I don’t have a better term at the moment) of being anal only.

There are some who push for denial of clitoral stimulation from a domination perspective, denying their partners any sort of pleasure except that which she can derive from anal penetration. This is a valid approach for couples who enjoy such dynamics, but isn’t for everyone. There is a sort of appeal to the idea of an anal only woman who is able to get all the pleasure she desires through anal penetration, however.

The primary reasons I sometimes encourage people to experiment with giving up clitoral stimulation, however, are to help try to develop the ability to have pure anal orgasms, and to go for a time experiencing nothing but the sensations from anal sex without the distraction that clitoral stimulation can be. The two sensations do pair well together, but I feel that anal only women should become intimately familiar with anal entirely on its own as well. Clitoral stimulation, as you said, can be a bit of a crutch and a habit that may be perfectly enjoyable and fine, but may also prevent you from experiencing something else or discovering how to orgasm from anal alone. Some women who have learned how to have anal only orgasms found that by using clitoral stimulation during sex they were essentially short circuiting the anal orgasm process and climaxing before they could figure out what made them orgasm anally. The increased arousal level from denying themselves any orgasm other than anal also helps both in providing motivation to figure out how to cum from anal and demands from the body an outlet for release.

So I don’t suggest that all women should stop all clitoral stimulation, but I do encourage those women who have come to prefer anal and are already anal only to experiment with going a time without any clitoral stimulation, to more deeply explore their bodies, see if they can unlock an ability to orgasm anally, and just to try something new. Similar as with anal only, I recommend going an extended period of time—at least a month, though many may need to work up to that length from shorter periods of time like a few days to a week at first. After, if you decide it’s not for you, great—keep on enjoying what you enjoy, and know you tried something new. You may find the idea intriguing still but want to take a break from it, and that’s certainly fine as well.

Alternate things I encourage experimenting with, which are less extreme than a time with zero clitoral stimulation, are edging (playing with your clit right up to the edge of orgasm and backing off, repeatedly, without orgasming throughout) and ruined orgasms (nearly the same as above, but ceasing all touch with your clit the instant you go over the edge so you orgasm but do not continue touching yourself during it, resulting in an orgasm of reduced intensity and much less decrease in arousal after). These can both be great to explore along with an anal only lifestyle, for a variety of reasons including another approach to experimenting with reaching anal only orgasm.

Ultimately, though, if you’re happy the way things are and aren’t interested in experimenting with other variations on anal only, there’s nothing wrong with that. Do what works for you and makes you happy and enjoy sex.

Anonymous: Thanks to your blog and reading about all these other couples trying out anal only i’ve finally “come out” to my wife and confessed that its anal that i really want. It went down better than i dared to hope and shes said shes going to give it a try. I’ll do anything to make this work – so what lubes or positions or whatever will give us the best chance of success? I didn’t expect such a positive response from her but all the same want to do everything i can to ease her transition.

Congratulations! I wish the two of you luck and enjoyable experiences.

Lube is a very personal choice. Just about every lube out there has a number of people who prefer it above all else. Your best bet is to just try some different ones and see what you end up liking. Most of them will work fine, though there are advantages and disadvantages to each. Coconut oil is popular with a lot of people lately, but there are many water-based and silicone lubes that are good as well. (Note that silicone lube cannot be used with silicone toys.)

As for positions, many can work for first time anal. Spooning is fairly relaxing for anal sex, but cowgirl and doggy can both let her move while you stay still at first to help her control depth and angle.

Before you even try having anal for the first time, however, you should be enjoying anal play together for a while, starting her off first with small anal penetrations and slowly working up in size until she can comfortably fit something the size of your penis. Fingers make a good starting point for anal play. Start with one lubricated finger (be sure to trim and file your nails first!) during vaginal sex, or while eating or otherwise playing with her pussy. Gently move your finger in and out of her ass, stopping if it hurts for her until the pain fades and then starting to move again. Incorporate anal play with that one finger regularly into your sex life, playing with her ass as often as the two of you are both up for it. Try to always combine it with other stimulation she enjoys, especially at first. If possible, give her orgasms as often as you can while she has something in her ass. This will both amplify the strength of her orgasm and further develop the association of her ass being filled with pleasure.

When she feels very comfortable with the single finger, try adding a second. Take as long as she needs (it could be many sessions) between size increases, and back down for a while before trying again if an attempted increase causes her pain. Keep going until she can fit three or four fingers regularly. Each time you start a new anal play session, start back at the single finger and work back up in size to warm her up. The anus is a muscle, and a more sensitive and delicate one than most, so warmup is vital to painless penetration at larger sizes.

Once she’s easily handling multiple fingers during anal play, try some toys. Get her a butt plug, or several of a few different sizes. Don’t start too small with these, or they’ll quickly become useless as she becomes more accustomed to anal penetration. I’d suggest starting around the 1.5″ diameter point, with something like the Tantus Ryder, which is a good quality silicone plug and is very comfortable to wear, and will remain a useful toy even in the future. A dildo around the same size might be useful as well for practice before trying sex for the first time.

When she’s finally ready to try having sex with you, go through a normal warmup session first, maybe even giving her an orgasm beforehand to try and relax her more. Let her guide herself on to your lubricated penis. If at any point it hurts, she should just stop in that position and wait until it fades, then keep going, slowly working her way onto you until you’re fully inside, then pause again until she adjusts to you being inside her. She can then start moving, slowly at first, building up a rhythm. You should stay stationary throughout this initial process, letting her go at her own pace. After a few minutes, once she’s more used to it, you can try starting to move yourself as well.

The essentials: lube, warmup, training, and clit stimulation.

glamdollx: My boyfriend likes anal and I don’t object but I’ve asked him to get lube and he rather use spit. Is there any positions that are more comfortable than others?

Definitely get some real lube. Saliva can work for some people, but it doesn’t lubricate as well as real lube long-term.

Because everyone’s a bit different, different people are going to prefer different positions. I’d suggest just giving a variety all a try and see which ones both of you like best. Cowgirl seems to work well quite often because squatting types of positions tend to straighten the rectum a bit and avoid prodding into anything that might feel uncomfortable, but it’s far from the only position that works.

The original version of this post on Tumblr received the following response:

pappymcdaddy: I love intellectual posts about seeming brutal and mindless acts. It just shows there is so much more to this all that just what the vanilla public chooses to see.

To which the following rebuttal was given:

What’s brutal or mindless about anal sex? Brutal suggests it’s painful or destructive, which it shouldn’t be if done correctly. And it’s far from mindless—there’s a lot more preparation and training that goes into having a consistently pleasurable anal experience.