Consolidating multiple asks together here again to be easier to read and respond to, and responding inline below.

Hi. You were kind enough to answer me, you gave me the tag 20180705. It’s nice that you worry about what I want myself, but my options are limited: the way I see it, either I quit my boyfriend and our relation (we live together), or I simply learn to enjoy anal sex more than I do currently, and accept the idea of just having anal sex from now on (which is the hardest thing for me: I like anal sex, but the idea that only my ass will be penetrated for the rest of my life is depressing to me).

Thanks for following up!

There can definitely be times where sexual differences come to that point in a relationship, where one partner has to decide whether they are willing to compromise and learn to change and come to enjoy something that may prove a difficult process to adjust to, or to end the relationship. There is no universal right answer here, and it’s going to be different for everybody.

If, long term, going anal only is what you ultimately decide on, however, I think you can very much get to the point where it’s no longer depressing to consider the idea that your pussy won’t be part of sex anymore and that you’ll be anal only going forward—it can, in fact, be sexy and exciting to think about instead.

The way my boyfriend told me he loathed vaginal sex was so clear that I’m not picturing myself begging for him to force himself (apparently, he already did all those years, and couldn’t cope with it any more).

This can definitely be an issue in a lot of relationships, where one partner is afraid to be honest about what they really need sexually and it can lead to a sort of unhealthy resentment or suppression until it comes to a head. It’s better for everyone to open and honest early on and either work it out or not.

The flip side of this, however, is your own enjoyment and needs. It’s great for him if things are out in the open from his perspective and he’s now getting what he needs, but if that’s at the expense of what you need, then it can lead to that same unhealthy suppression for you. I’m not saying it will, just that it’s something to consider and that you need to balance if you decide long term to go forward with anal only.

I’m also not really into masturbation, the few times I did it, I felt like a loser, especially during sex with a man. The distaste of my boyfriend for vaginal and clitoral sex also kind of influenced me, and lately I sort of feel repelled by this area of my body, like it betrayed me.

This is not that uncommon for a lot of women, it seems like, especially during sex. The idea of masturbating/clitoral stimulation during sex can seem sort of selfish to a lot of people and like it takes away from the intimate connection and physical sharing that’s going on. As a sort of mental re-training technique, however, it can at times be really helpful to activate anal pleasure for some women. It’s far from the only option however, and it sounds like it may not be worth it for you as you start to lose interest in vaginal/clitoral stimulation.

Since I wrote to you a few weeks ago, I’ve talked about all this to my best friend, who’s gay and married for five years now: I thought he might be a good counsellor for anal sex. To my surprise, he told me he’s 100% bottom and hasn’t had any stimulation on his cock since he met his husband, who made him wear a chastity belt for two years at the beginning of their relation. I had no idea he was into BDSM nor the submissive type since he’s very athletic, discussing this brought us a lot closer.

He told me that learning to let go of the pleasure on his cock was the best thing that happened to him, and that in his mind, his asshole was his sexual organ. He gave me a lot of advices similar to yours, including experimenting with a dildo, and told me to be very active during sex: so far, when my ass is fucked, I just relaxed and opened up and sort of let my partner move, and he told me to push my ass against my boyfriend, arch my back, squeeze my anus/rectum on his cock, talk dirty, etc.

That’s great that you were able to discover someone so close to you who you could share experiences with and discover that you’re in very close to the same situation and that it’s not actually that unusual or strange. I’m glad that his positive experiences and insights helped you.

He told me that by showing how much I enjoy anal sex, even if I fake it at the beginning, my boyfriend will feel much more confident, and “a confident lover is a good lover”. So I bought a dildo about the size of my boyfriend (he’s quite big) and “exercised”, and indeed it made me realize my ass is much more sensitive and “active” than I thought it was. I tried to apply all this when my boyfriend and I had sex lately, and he seemed extremely happy and relieved, and felt much more passionate.

I definitely suggest keeping this up, both just with some external stimulation with your fingers when you’re horny in order to start seeing your ass more as your primary pleasure source and sexual outlet and arousal trigger, and with your new dildo to further practice that and to “train” for sex more. That sensitivity, arousal and sexuality centered on your ass will continue to grow significantly as a result.

I also stopped taking the pill, because there was really no point in taking it any more, and I sort of feel like the pill had more effects on me than I thought. I feel better and a bit hornier.

Sounds like a positive step to further commit into the lifestyle and move forward anal only. As your arousal grows from that too, and the realities of being off birth control further cement anal only for you, I suspect that your attitude towards being anal only and moving away from vaginal sex and stimulation will further shift and becoming more positive. There can be a bit of the “fake it ’till you make it” aspect there too, where during the initial stages you remind yourself constantly of all the positive things about being anal only and why it’s sexy and wonderful, and it becomes your natural reaction before you know it.

Good luck! I think if you choose to, you can make being anal only an amazing thing the two of you can share.

For more details on anal only training and all things relating to anal and the anal only lifestyle, visit our Anal Sex Advice & Guide to the Anal Only Lifestyle page!

Anonymous: I’ve been training my ass for a while now and yesterday I took up a larger toy and i got so horny because i arrived to this level while a couple months ago I couldn’t even put my finger. I’m trying to go anal only and havent touched my pussy for a week and doing anal play only and it’s dripping wet i can feel the wetness on my thighs all day long, sometimes I add clothespins on my labia for more exquisite torture, do you have a task for me to extend AO training ? Ps : i love your blog

First of all, congratulations on moving to a larger toy and on trying to go anal only! Obviously, I encourage and approve of such things, and hope that you continue to stick with anal only long-term!

It sounds like you’re trying to go anal only on your own, rather than with a partner. There’s nothing at all wrong with that, and when it comes to initial anal training I actually often suggest exploring it on your own first so you get to know about it on your own terms and in the future can go into it with less uncertainty and more confidence when you try it with a partner. For some people, it can also be more challenging, because with the anal only aspect, you don’t have any accountability except to yourself, and it can feel easier to give up when it gets hard, which in turn can feel like a failure if you “give in” to old urges.

But if that happens, you shouldn’t see it as a failure, you should see it as a natural part of the process of switching your urges to anal instead of vaginal. It doesn’t happen overnight if you already very much enjoy and have primarily stimulated yourself vaginally or clitorally until now. Definitely keep trying to push your limits and go as long as you can, but if you can’t take it anymore and end up masturbating vaginally or clitorally again, just dive back in after and try again. Each time around see if you can go longer than the time before!

To answer your question more directly, however, what I generally recommend for people struggling with going anal only in their solo play and wanting to avoid touching their pussy is: Any time you feel the urge to touch your pussy, rub and finger or use a toy in your ass instead. The hornier you get, the more enthusiastically you play with your ass. Take all that arousal coming from your pussy and clit and redirect it to your ass. In time, that arousal will start naturally shifting to your ass instead. If your clit is a big distraction to you and makes it too hard to resist, try some anesthetic cream like Orajel on your clit to numb it temporarily while you masturbate.

And finally, if you find that the clitoral denial aspect of anal only is too much for you, always remember that you can be anal only without giving up your clit. Most anal only women only engage in anal penetration during masturbation and sex but still combine clitoral stimulation with anal as needed. Some edge clitorally, some orgasm clitorally. Others get all they need from their ass. Experiment with all the options, but ultimately what’s best for you is something that you’ll need to figure out for yourself.

Enjoy!

lolypoppyxd: My gf is willing to try anal, but she is a virgin in both holes. So my q is how do i stimulate her so anal hurts less (sorry for the bad English) ty in advance

Anal shouldn’t hurt at all, so avoid the mindset that it should “hurt less”, and instead focus on making her thoroughly enjoy it pain-free. Start by just incorporating some non-invasive anal play—lick her asshole, rub it gently with a lubricated finger on the outside, and talk with her about what she enjoys. Try combining anal penetration with clitoral stimulation and gently ease a lubricated finger into her ass, then make her orgasm while fingering her ass. Keep going up in size from there, with more fingers as she’s ready for them, then a butt plug and dildos. Once she can fit something about the size of your penis and she’s ready to go for it, try the real thing. Go slowly, let her control the pace, be prepared to pause if anything starts to hurt and let her relax around you. Once you’re all the way in and she’s ready, start to slowly move and build up speed from there. Communicate, and be ready to stop, slow or adjust if she needs it.

Anonymous: Im new to anal only lifestyle and im trying to ease into it slowly, just finished an anal play session and so far I’m loving it, I still can’t put anything as big as a dildo, only tiny brushes but hopefully I will get there soon. I’m in bed now and I’m still aroused and excited from the ass play I did, and to add some more punishment I applied a dab of toothpaste to my clit : this feels so bad and so good at the same time I’m soooooo horny Ps : I love your blog I come here every single day

Sounds like you’re doing very well! Enthusiasm about exploring anal pleasure and going anal only is one of the most important things—everyone can physically train themselves to do anal, but wanting and needing to do it are what really makes it rewarding.

Anonymous: I am very new to anal and I’m wearing a plug for the first time. Any advice about wearing plugs?

Try wearing it every time you masturbate, to begin with, to start associating anal stimulation and penetration with pleasures you already enjoy. From there, try leaving it in longer, both after you’ve masturbated and orgasmed with it in, as well as other times. If it starts to get uncomfortable, take it out and then see if you can wear it longer the next time you try. Try sleeping with it in. With more practice, you’ll be able to wear it longer and it will both feel even better on its own, and help open you up to more anal pleasures and make anal sex easier.

I’m going to respond to this message inline below in order to address its various components more effectively due to its length.

Hi.

I am 23 year old girl from Finland and I have been together with my boyfriend of dreams now for almost 4 years and he´s the only one I ever had sex with and sex has always been perfect with us but lately ( 7-9 months ) he has been becoming more and more interested or obsessed about anal sex…

We tried anal first time after just few weeks of dating and I hated it and didn´t have any for over 3 years after that and now about one year ago we tried again and for some reason I didn´t find it that bad and after trying it more I learned to enjoy it in fact very much, but the problem is that my boyfriend has fallen in love with it and dosn´t want anything else anymore.

I think it’s great that you were willing to try anal again after hating it the first time, and were able to discover that you in fact enjoy it a lot. So many people try it once or twice and give up, never discovering how wonderful it can be.

Well to be honest the real problem is not that he wants only to fuck my ass, but he can´t get hard anymore by fucking my pussy, so I must suck him hard several times during normal sex to keep him hard and to make him cum it can easy take more than 3 hours if I use only my pussy.

He has been complaining that my pussy dosn´t feel that good what sounds not only very offensive to me, but also not true because I know I have tight pussy. Ok I can except the fact that anal sex is more enjoyable than normal sex for men, but how is it possible that in less than one year my pussy that used to be the doorway to heaven turn in to a trash basket or at least that´s the feeling I have now.

I really doubt that he intends to be in any way offensive towards you, and it’s actually more common than you might think that men have difficulty being turned on by or being satisfied by vaginal sex, especially after experiencing anal and being able to compare to it, and discovering that anal is what sex was supposed to be like for them—not just tighter, but a better texture, more depth, and an increased focus on intimacy. It just feels more primally right to many men.

Also one of his big turn on is that he can start fucking straight from my ass and he has been suggesting that few minutes before he cums he will fuck my pussy wich is not even an option for me to take a dick from my shitter and put it in my pussy… No way and I heard from somewhere that it is in fact dangerous?

I would definitely advise against this. It is dangerous, as you mention, and it just makes little sense to go from anal to vaginal anyway.

Easiest solution would be of course to start by having normal sex and finish up my butt, but he can´t stay hard even for 30 seconds that way and it´s very embarassing for both of us so it seems that I need to do something with my pussy to give him the same pleasure wich he had before or join these new fashion that seems to be going around especially with guys of analonlylifestyle…

It seems that you’re approaching this from the attitude that there’s something wrong with your pussy, when from his perspective he’s likely not thinking about it that way at all, and is in fact preferring anal because he just loves it so much and prefers it. It’s the difference of looking at the positives of something vs. the negatives.

The fact is that now I haven´t had any normal sex for 6-7 weeks and my boyfriend is loosing day by day, more and more his interest in my pussy and gets more and more obsessed in my asshole and talked with my friends about it and they think I should leave the fucker, but how could they ever understand how much I love my boyfriend.

I know he would die for me without blinking his eyes if any situation would ever come to him and I would pretty much give my life for him too so I have been thinking that if I would pretty much be ready to die for him or at least don´t want imagine my life without him then it would make sense also to forget my own pleasure for him or at least wait and give him time because maybe he will change…

Sex is only one part of any relationship, and you have to balance everything, but you shouldn’t have to give up your own pleasure for him just because he has discovered he needs anal. That doesn’t mean you can’t come up with something that still works for the both of you, though. There are many, many women out there who come to greatly prefer anal over vaginal as well.

Ok, long story but my question is that what can I as a girl do for a guy who enjoys anal sex so much more than normal sex to be more interested in pussy, or maybe I´m asking from the wrong people now and I should be asking, even I do like anal, but how I can enjoy it more or maybe even so much that I don´t need my pussy to get fucked?

As a man completely uninterested in vaginal sex, I can’t answer the former, but I can offer suggestions for the latter.

To maximize your enjoyment of anal, keep practicing it regularly. It sounds like you’re already doing it fairly regularly, but maintaining a frequent routine helps a lot.

Start masturbating anally as well. A lot of women who have difficulty enjoying or being satisfied from anal tend to have a somewhat different mindset about anal than vaginal and aren’t really thinking of it as a pleasure source, and starting to masturbate that way can help to change that. Any time you would rub your clit or use a vibrator to get off, add some anal penetration into the mix as well in order to combine known pleasure sources with anal and further develop its own pleasure for you.

Try wearing a butt plug outside of sex sometimes (doesn’t need to be all the time, just something to try from time to time) to increase your anal training and arousal, and just to keep reminding yourself of your ass and anal pleasure even when not having sex. A lot of people find it really pleasurable in a somewhat passive way to wear a butt plug.

If you aren’t already, try to incorporate clitoral stimulation into your anal sex routine together. There’s a lot to be said for developing the ability to orgasm from anal without clit stimulation, but for many that can be a more advanced ability and if it gives you the satisfaction you need to be and stay anal only, there are a lot of reasons to combine clitoral stimulation and orgasms with anal penetration. The combination is often far more pleasurable than vaginal sex and orgasms.

And finally, attitude can make a big difference. It sounds like you’re fairly negative and resentful about the entire thing, even if you do enjoy anal at some level, and tend to see the bad sides of it all. Try to see it from your boyfriend’s perspective—he’s not insulting your pussy or saying that there’s anything wrong with you, he’s just focusing on the fact that your ass is amazing and he loves it so much that it outshines your pussy. That doesn’t make you any lesser in any way at all. Try to approach it as a sexy secret that you can both share and enjoy together, and something to work towards as a couple to keep making better and better for the both of you. Communicate. Tell him your concerns and frustrations but also if you’re willing to keep working towards increased mutual pleasure with anal only, tell him that too, that you’re willing to go anal only with him but you need pleasure too and that you want to figure out how to make it sustainable and enjoyable for the both of you.

The thing is that I will never ever leave my boyfriend, but if things keep on going to the direction that they have now been going for a long time I think I will get only my butt fucked for the next 40 years…

If you focus just on anal for a while, approach it with a more positive attitude, and start to appreciate the idea of being anal only, I suspect you’ll start to realize that only getting your butt fucked for the next 40+ years isn’t a bad thing at all.

I know most of you readers are guys and wanna answer something like “bitches should be fucked only in the ass” or “pleasure is only for men”, but please give me serious answer or advice.

That’s not at all the attitude at this blog. I do seriously advocate for anal only being the standard and default for everyone, with lots of advantages and reasons for doing so, but it’s never about force or denial of pleasure for women. It’s because it can be so much more pleasurable and arousing and satisfying for both women and men once you’ve committed to it longer term.

Good luck!

dolly-little-fan: (i’m not a native English speaker) I try anal with my GF and i enjoy it, but not her, she said me “I feel like i’m shitting when you fuck my ass”, how to make her enjoy it ?

Take a break from anal sex for a while and focus on anal play with her instead, licking her asshole, fingering it, using smaller dildos and plugs in it, combining anal play with other sex acts she enjoys, rubbing her clit during, etc. There’s a lot of potential pleasure with anal, but for some people it has to be “unlocked” by associating it with existing pleasures. Get her to really enjoy anal stimulation at a lower level first, then ease back into anal sex and see where that takes the two of you.

Also, before sex, try doing more of a warmup process, again starting with licking her ass to get her relaxed, then using a finger or two, a plug, or a dildo, and then finally move on to sex. When her anal muscles are relaxed and she’s turned on, she’s going to enjoy the sensation a lot more.

Anonymous: First of, I love anal! I’m in the process if trying to make my hole bigger by wearing plugs regularly but everytime I put on a plug it makes me wanna go poop. Even if I have just poop!!! Please help.

Does this happen immediately after you put a plug in, or does it start after a little bit of time has passed? It’s not uncommon when first getting into long-term plug wear that it can start to be uncomfortable after a short bit of time at first, and you have to gradually ease into it, wearing it as long as you can comfortably do so, taking out, and trying again later to go longer. Over time, it will become a lot more comfortable.

However, it could be one of several other factors as well, especially if you can already enjoy anal sex without experiencing that sensation. Certain materials can either cause a reaction or have a certain texture that can give a feeling like needing to poop. Steel and glass are often the best at not doing that, as well as high quality silicone. Certain lubes could cause this as well.

Finally, you could try rubbing your clit while it’s in and see if the sensation goes away. Again, it may not be as big of a factor for you if you love anal already, but people just starting with anal stimulation often experience such sensations and need to “re-train” themselves a little bit to interpret anal stimulation as a source of sexual pleasure rather than just a sensation of needing to go to the bathroom, and so combining anal with other things you may find enjoyable like clit play can be an effective technique.

bruceiancandace: Any suggestions on getting my wife. To try anal. She likes it being licked and probed with a finger or an extremely small vibrator. But wont let me in with my dick.

Keep doing what she does enjoy and make it a regular part of your sexual routine together. Gradually increase the size that she’s comfortable with—once a single finger comes very easily to her, try two fingers, then in time, three, etc. As she starts to enjoy bigger things, get some more toys, butt plugs, small/medium dildos, and the like, and keep easing her into it more and more.

You can’t just jump straight from a finger to a penis most of the time. Everybody’s different, and some find anal comes naturally to them right away, but it’s a gradual process for many. Let her guide the pace while you just gently and gradually push it forward, and you’ll get there in time.

Be sure to make her cum a lot while you have your fingers and toys in her ass.

Anonymous: I introduced my GF to anal about a year ago and Im trying to incorporate it regularly whenever we have sex. During sex she enjoys it and can take me, only thing is, is that she says that her ass hurts like a day later. Does she need to relax more or is it just like working out, the more your muscle works out, the more it gets used to it, and it doesnt get sore?

It’s a bit of both, more relaxation and gradual warmup before sex as well as lower key anal play between having sex can help reduce muscle strain from when you do have anal sex, but it’s also just like any other exercise and with more practice and experience she should start to avoid most soreness.