Sex is very confusing, but there’s one thing I’ve always been certain of: for some reason, straight men are obsessed with anal sex.

I can’t speak to why this is the case. Some part of me suspects that many of them might be bi-curious and looking for a toxically heterosexual outlet. This claim has absolutely no substance: it’s just rooted in my own speculation. It’s important to read Queer theory and even more important to critically analyze toxic masculinity, but it’s still pretty fun to tease my straight boyfriend with this notion.

Regardless, straight men definitely go crazy for anal, but for many reasons, women attracted to men don’t always feel the same way for many reasons—the biggest reason being pain.

There are many academic studies on this pain. One from 2011 found that over 40 per cent of heterosexual women (a group which I’m not a part of, but can nonetheless relate to) experienced pain their first time engaging in anal sex. Many stopped immediately, but others endured the pain to please their male partners—which is deeply problematic.

That brings me to the one thing I hope all men reading this take away: never, ever coerce a woman into engaging in any kind of sex. We aren’t yours to convince, and our sexual preferences aren’t up for debate.

Now that that’s out of the way, I can safely tell you lots of women actually enjoy anal, including me. If you really want, you can find a woman willing to do butt stuff—please just wait until the pandemic is over.

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Contrary to popular belief, and something that is echoed by many of the anal only women out there, the primary benefactors of anal sex and the anal only lifestyle are women.

So many people still insist on the misconception that women don’t enjoy anal and only do it for their male partners, and that men get far more enjoyment from anal penetration than women do.

Now, men certainly enjoy and get a lot of benefit out of anal sex as well, but the point of this article is to explore how vastly superior anal can be for women in comparison to men.

For men, it’s sexier, tighter, has more texture and grip than vaginal, and allows for deeper penetration.

For women, the contrast is more significant:

• The tightness leads to a much more intense feeling of fullness compared to vaginal, which amplifies pleasure in general and makes everything more stimulating as a result.
• The depth allows much much deeper and harder penetration without risking impacting with the cervix, which can be very uncomfortable and painful.
• Anal sex is inherently a form of natural birth control, and it’s very difficult to get accidentally pregnant from anal sex (not impossible, but rare), which allows focusing on sex and pleasure without the fear of risked pregnancy, other forms of birth control failing, or their cost and side effects.
• Less than 1/3 of women are able to orgasm from vaginal penetration alone and rely on clit stimulation in order to orgasm during vaginal. However, studies show that over 80% of women who have anal sex orgasm from it. Because many women experience negative side effects from clit orgasms, including loss of arousal, oversensitivity post-orgasm, and emotional crashes and depression post-orgasm, which generally are not present with anal orgasms, this can make a tremendous difference to long term enjoyment of sex and arousal.

So, if you or someone you know thinks that men get the most benefit from anal sex, it’s always best to try it for yourself and see what you really think. Chances are you’ll be surprised just how much greater anal is than vaginal for women, and the benefit is usually even greater for women than it is for men.

Every person who engages in anal sex fears that they will one day possess a bashed and battered asshole, one that’s not as bright and tight as it used to be. I can admit that I was once a part of that camp, fearing that every time I bottomed, I was causing permanent damage to my precious b-hole. But, as is true with most generalizations, you come to realize it’s (mostly) a bunch of BS.

I became particularly invested in this topic after working with a sexual wellness company that launched a service called Text-a-Sexpert, in which a fellow sex educator and myself would answer people’s personal sex questions via text message. Almost instantly, I was taken aback by the volume of folks who wrote me desperate that their holes were—or would soon become—loose as a result of receptive anal intercourse.

As a radical empath who despises sexual shame in any shape or form, I want to wax poetic on the power and resilience of our buttholes. To assist, I’ve enlisted the expertise of not one, but two LGBTQ butt doctors as well as one experienced anal sex advocate, author, and sex shop owner. So let’s dispel some harmful myths and put those fanny-based fears to rest.

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In response to a question about anal looseness from going anal only:

My wife and I have been having anal sex for nearly 30 years, anal only for the past 14. Until recently she has had no issues whatsoever. Recently, she felt like she was too loose when really into it. In all honesty, I didn’t notice a difference. Performing ass to mouth when this happened seemed to help, as it removed some lubricant and allowed her ass a minute to reset, but she didn’t feel like it made enough of a difference. So, she began wearing a small glass plug with a very gradual taper for a couple hours a day. This, coupled with silicone lubricant, required her to squeeze it to keep it from coming out while going about her activities. Within a couple of weeks, we noticed a real difference. She didn’t feel she was too loose, and I felt like she had more control to squeeze me (she never felt loose to me anyway). When we really noticed it was when she orgasmed, her sphincter would squeeze and release and squeeze and release me.

So, as a couple who have probably had anal sex approaching 8000 times, from my best estimation, I can say it probably isn’t a concern. However, if it should occur, a little “light exercise” will tighten things back up again in no time.

LuvMyWifesAss, Anal Only Lifestyle forum

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My husband enjoys anal sex but feels guilty afterwards due to his religious beliefs. I absolutely love anal and want to move away from pussy, but he feels it’s wrong and that we should not do it anymore. I keep enticing him and get my way, but after he starts with pussy. He loves my tight ass and says it feels better but continues to be resistant to it. What should I do? Any tips? Any other AO lovers with similar problem? I want his cock in my ass every day, I want to orgasm anally only and want to abandon boring pussy fucking. Help!!!!

Jess for anal, Anal Only Lifestyle forum

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Anonymous: I have an uncircumcised penis of length 5.6″ and will it be ok for anal sex ? will analingus, anal penetration, cunnilingus and felatio go one after the other during sex and which lubricant is best for anal sex?

Circumcised and uncircumcised penises are both fine for anal sex, and you just need to wash after sex and urinate.

The order of sexual activities is largely up to you and your partner and what you both want, though you shouldn’t have vaginal sex after anal sex without cleaning first.

As for lubricants, we have a Guide to Anal Lubricants that you can read through.

Veki: Dear! The main problem with people who are interested in this topic is lost of love. When two peoples do not love each other they are looking for love surrogates. “Only anal” concept is fake surrogate for soul emptiness. It is sin, wrong way of life, because this is like consumation of drugs. In the begining, iz feels fine and nice but during the time it becomes insufficient and you need more and more dosege to be able to survive to the end of day. Very quickly you will become overexcited and will start to search other, more extrem, perversion to satisfy your sick sexual madness. And this road goes to hell. On the end, man starts to hate himself because he find out that he is lost without love. I tell you this beacuse I had anal sex several years and find out how it was unnatural and dirty. Only love can save you. But you have no love because you hate women, nature nad God…you are slaves of your mad, insatiable desire. One day you will find that your soul is dying if you continue with this perversion. I hope that everyone of you will realise very soon how this sin is wrong for you and find salvation. God bless you.

Thank you for your concern, but I think you’re quite mistaken. While some people may use sex as a surrogate for love, that’s not specific to any sort of sex. There’s also nothing inherently wrong with casual sex. For people who have a healthy relationship with sex, anal sex can just be a more intensely pleasurable way of enjoying it, being intimate, and expressing sexuality without risking pregnancy. There are many, many loving anal only couples who use anal sex as their physical expression of that love and connection.

There’s also zero hatred of women here. In fact, many of the most enthusiastic members of this community are women who love anal sex because it gives them more pleasure than vaginal sex, and more sexual freedom to enjoy intimacy without risking pregnancy. The anal only lifestyle is empowering to women, in reality!

While pop culture might have you believing that anal sex is an act that can just happen organically without tons of lube and prep beforehand, that’s just not really how it goes. Sure, the ol’ “sorry, I slipped and almost went into the wrong hole” thing happens sometimes, but it’s rare that the slipping excuse would result in full-penetration in your ass — unless you had a LOT of lube involved on both your bum, your partner’s penis, and even then, unlikely.

But if you’re willing to dedicate some time to prepwork (aka anal training), do your research, and buy a few lubes beforehand, anal sex can be uber pleasurable. Who knows, it might even become your favorite.

Yes, anal sex does require some extra preparation, but aside from that, it’s just another sex act. Whether you’re still debating trying it out, or are already committed to doing it, here’s everything you need to know about anal sex for beginners.

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People wanting to try anal sex for the first time are usually attracted by what they’ve heard about it, or were asked by their partner to try it. Most who try anal have no information to guide them towards a pleasurable experience. Here is a list of important things to keep in mind if you want it to be enjoyable, repeatable, and something you and your partner will EVER want to do again!

1) There are two sphincter muscles, and both have to be relaxed for anal sex to feel good. The outer sphincter is a voluntary muscle, so with practice it can be relaxed at will. The second sphincter muscle  is an involuntary muscle about an inch and a half inside the anus. Because it’s an involuntary muscle, you’ll just have to wait for it to relax.  This can take up to twenty minutes for a beginner.

2) Anal sex should not hurt. If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong.  Anal sex feels amazing if the second sphincter muscles are relaxed. If they aren’t, forcing entry will bruise the muscles. That hurts a lot! When people talk about anal sex being painful, this is the stage they’re talking about.  Rectal tissues are much thinner and more fragile than are vaginal tissues. The only solution is to take things slowly – very slowly – and wait for the second sphincter muscle to finally relax by itself. Rush this step, and you may turn off the person involved to ever trying anal sex again.

3) Anal play requires lube. Lots of lube. Unlike the vagina and mouth, the anus and rectum do not produce lubrication. Lubes specifically formulated for anal play are typically thicker to compensate for how absorbant the rectal walls are to moisture. Thinner lubes will be absorbed more quickly, and will  need reapplication. An alternative is silicone-based lubricant, which will not be absorbed into the body, but is not safe for all toys. No matter what kind of lube you choose, use plenty and reapply.

4) Talk to your partner about how it feels. Waiting for the muscles to relax is a wonderful opportunity for communication, feedback, and lots of giggles! Yes, this is a chance to take things with some lightness and fun and even some silliness. Ask questions, answer questions, move slowly. This is a learning curve, as this is a whole new realm of sensations for the newcomer!

5) It gets better. Once relaxed, there is enormous potential for pleasure from anal sex. The second sphincter will eventually learn to relax much more quickly, taking cues from the first sphincter relaxing. This training can take months and even then can be finicky, so always take it slow.

We often tell people there are four major elements to anal sex: lots of good lubrication; lots of time; more lube; and more time.  Go slowly, have fun, and check in with your partner. Anal play is just that: play!

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