Anonymous: Hi, I’m the woman you tagged 20171013, I didn’t think you’d reply to me eventually. Anal sex does give me pleasure, but to me it isn’t really sexual, it’s difficult to explain. It also never gave me an orgasm. I’m not used to touch my clitoris while having sex with my husband, he usually took care of it when we did vaginal sex, but now he doesn’t care about it any more. It’s frustrating, but sex is more frequent and passionate now, I don’t want to break that, and I’m healthier without the pill.

Hello again! I’m sorry for the slow response to your previous message, I was traveling for some time and didn’t get caught up on my Tumblr inbox for a while.

It sounds to me like going anal only is still an overall positive for the two of you, but could still be improved further for you. If you’d like to remain anal only (as it sounds you do), I can offer some suggestions.

First, to try and make it seem more sexual, you’ll have to change your own thinking about it. I suggest doing this on your own, to begin with at least. When you masturbate, start to incorporate anal stimulation into that each time. (If you don’t masturbate, start to do so at least several times a week.) Use a vibrator or rub your clit to orgasm, but finger or rub your anus at the same time. By doing this repeatedly and often, you will start to build up that mental association with other sexual pleasures for yourself and hopefully start to think of anal stimulation as something sexual as well because you’re masturbating that way. Over time I would suggest getting some dildos and butt plugs to use for that purpose as well. Doing this may also help you to start learning to orgasm from just anal, with further practice.

Then, during sex with your husband, try to change your mindset about it as well. Start just by explicitly thinking of it as something sexual, even if it’s hard to naturally think that way at first. It is sexual, so you just need to change your thinking about it to start seeing it that way and enjoying it yourself. Like you say, you enjoy it physically and you enjoy that you’re having more frequent and passionate sex, you just can’t get past the idea that it isn’t sexual somehow.

Something which some women struggle with is the idea of not being a proper sexual woman if their pussy isn’t being used for sex. Could this be a factor for you as well? As if somehow only having anal sex makes you less of a woman or not as feminine? It certainly isn’t true, of course. Whether a woman uses just her vagina for sex, just her anus, or a mix of both, she’s just as much a woman.

I hope you’re able to get to where you can embrace and fully enjoy anal sex and appreciate it as the very sexual, intimate and loving act that it can be and is. If you have any further questions or would like any other advice, please feel free to ask.

Hi. No, you don’t understand, my husband and I have never done anal sex before, and vaginal sex being uncomfortable was just some temporary thing after giving birth. We would have never thought about anal sex without my gynaecologist mentioning it and detailing it to great length, explaining it was the best form of birth control (my body doesn’t handle the pill very well), how to have an appropriate diet, how to clean up, etc. But it was supposed to last two or three months, not be forever.

My husband was sceptical at first, and I had to insist we followed the doctor’s advice, but now it’s all he ever does. He doesn’t even touch my pussy or clitoris any more. When I suggested we tried vaginal again after the first months, he replied: “let’s not take any chance” and that was that. On one hand, our sex life was dying (less than once a week), vs. at least five times a week now (even several times a day), but even if I don’t mind anal, I’m not that much into it. But I like the change.

As I noted in my original response to you, it’s obvious that he likes the new anal only arrangement much more than before when you were having vaginal sex. This is not uncommon, as anal is generally far more pleasurable, appealing and intimate for men (and lots of women, too!). He enjoys anal more, fantasizes about it more, and clearly likes and wants the two of you to remain anal only going forward. This has led to a far greater increase of sexual activity for the two of you, which you note you appreciate and enjoy.

You say you don’t mind anal but aren’t into it much—what does that mean, exactly? Does it give you pleasure? Does it make you orgasm? Or is it just something that isn’t painful or uncomfortable but doesn’t do much for you otherwise?

Perhaps consider some sort of compromise where he has no obligation to touch or use your pussy or clit, but you can still rub your clit or use a vibrator to orgasm during sex, if anal alone does not provide orgasms for you. Some couples manage to stay anal only for intercourse between each other but include double penetration with a dildo for additional stimulation for her if necessary.

I suggest talking with him and trying to understand his perspective, while sharing your own, if it’s something that you want to change. Myself, being an advocate for anal only, am going to still be biased in favor of you staying anal only and instead of trying to return to vaginal, working to enjoy and appreciate anal more.

Anonymous: Hello. After I gave birth to our son, vaginal sex has become really uncomfortable, and my gynaecologist recommended that my husband and I stopped vaginal sex for a few months. Our sex life was already very calm, so I asked him if there really was no alternative, and he said we could do anal sex if we were into that. Now it’s been a year and a half, and my husband still penetrates my ass only. I stumbled on his browser history and he watches anal porn a lot.

Hi, thanks for sharing your experience! That’s actually very common, vaginal sex becoming uncomfortable, painful, or losing all pleasure after giving birth. Among mothers, it’s probably the most common reason for going anal only. Since getting pregnant is the primary purpose of the vagina, it makes sense that once you have done so and had the children you are going to have, it stops becoming pleasurable to do so further, especially since you have a superior alternative—anal—for recreational sex.

It sounds like he’s perfectly happy with the arrangement, but you don’t mention your own thoughts about it. Is it satisfactory to you too?